New Day 6 - Ooga Booga

I always liked that scene in Dances with Wolves where Kevin Costner meets the natives for the first time. He invites them in for coffee with tons of sugar and a friendship is born. It is really touching that he can reach out across a vast gulf of translation and bridge it with sugar.

I should be so lucky.

The day was just as boring as every other day. I could write all about my activities, from the first morning shit to finding a new tree full of coconuts. I cut them down and then pissed on the tree. Take that stupid tree full of my most hated food.

It was around – oh, I don’t know. An hour close to sunset when they arrived and found me in a very compromising situation.

I had cut Eileen from the tree earlier and let her wander around. She got touchy-feely with me a few times but with the gag she wasn’t much of a threat. Sort of like fending off a blind old man who is gumming for you.

Wait a minute, why didn’t I think of this before? I could just remove their teeth and then I wouldn’t have to worry about being bitten, right? If they can’t bite then I can’t die and come back like them. I can’t join the tribe of undead. I won’t be stuck wandering the island until I fall into a pit or get eaten by something that has big teeth.

I’m an idiot! Of course!

It's not like they would feel it. They don't have to worry about chewing on gummy bears. They don't need teeth at all.

I didn’t waste time. I grabbed a rock and my knife. I would have to do this quick. If I stopped to think about it I would probably give up.

I grabbed Eileen and tripped her so she fell on her desiccated behind. Pushing her chest down, I sat on her stomach and opened my mouth so I didn’t have to breath in her smell which was quickly going from dirty-you-need-a-bath-dear. To Rank-ass-dead-chick smell. She reached for me but I batted her hands aside. When she didn’t stop I lifted her up and put her hands under her body then sat back down.

I guess on any other woman this might be kind of hot. Sitting on her with her hands secure, doing what I want with her. But in this case it was anything but sexy.

I pried her mouth open and slipped the knife in. I set it on one tooth just off center and looked at the rock. She moved her head and the knife shifted so I had to re center it.

“This might sting a little.” I smiled and then drove the rock into the end of the knife. It did the trick but it also drove the tip into her cheek and then through it. Oops! Sorry about that. 

The tooth fell into her mouth but there was no way I was fishing it out. Sticking my hands in there was a death trap. I put the knife on another tooth but she didn’t flinch. Did she even feel it? I have to admit that I cringed as I lined up the weight of the rock.

She moved again and I ended up on the other side of her mouth but still on the top row. I got in one nice swing and managed not to drive the knife through that side of her face. Way to go me! I may not have a future in dentistry but at least she only needed cosmetic surgery on one cheek.

Her tongue moved around in her dry mouth like she was playing with the teeth. I guess I would have to get some sea water later on and rinse her out. 

Another tooth and she was starting to look like a beaver. I sat back to admire my handy work and laughed at her. I couldn’t help it. I sat all the way up on her chest now so I could hold her head between my knees.

I got another tooth and then worked over the first few, reaching in with tip of the blade and digging out as much broken tooth as I could. It wouldn’t do to have a tiny piece nick me in the middle of the night.

It was in this position that they found me.

Now, I would like to say that it went down just like it did for Kevin Costner. That we met, exchanged gifts, they rode off and a few weeks later we were best friends.

It didn’t happen like that at all.

My girl was freaking out a little over at her spot, tied to the tree, eyes fixed on me like I was a six piece McNugget meal. She had been quiet but now she was freaking out. Hooting and hollering around her gag like she was on fire. If I didn’t know any better I would have thought a spider was down her shirt. Not that I would help out there. Sticking my hand under her dirty bra was NOT in the cards.

A body stepped from behind a tree like it had been part of it. I dropped the knife and stood up so fast I thought I was going to fall back over since my legs were partially asleep.

Another figure appeared and then another. I don’t know if they meant to impress me or scare the shit out of me. I felt both so I guess their plan worked.

One of the figures moved toward me. He was a large man with some black tribal tattoos on his massive arms. He was wearing a necklace made of giant sea shells and If I wasn’t mistaken, a flower pretty close to the one that started this whole zombie mess in the first place. It was much as I remembered but it appeared to be dried out.

He said some words that sounded angry to me. The others, men and women, looked at the body on the ground in front of me, then at my girl tied to a tree. One of the women dropped to her knees and pressed her knuckled fists to her eyes.

The guy kept coming toward me and he looked mad. He was saying something over and over but I wasn’t sure what he meant. In the interest of foreign relations I started repeating my name over and over.

He ignored my attempts and broke into a long line of gibberish that made some of the others drop to their knees as well. I stared from head to head and wondered what had gotten into them. Two were women one young and the other much older. She had gray hair and a creased face like an old leather jacket that was left folded in half.

The other girl was my age or a little younger. She wore a tiny scrap of clothing that left her shoulder, barely covered her boobs, and then stretched about half way down her thighs. I must admit, after this long with only dead girls to look at, I was more than a little pervy with my eyes.

The guy stopped in front of me and looked me up and down. He stared down at the girl and then leaned over to pick up the knife. Oh sweet Jesus. He was going to stab me with the thing! I started pleading for my life while he looked the blade over then leaned over to study the girl. The others remained on their knees and chanted. One of the other men was shaved bald but had a white triangle on one side of his head. He was young, probably just a teen but he carried a spear and I was willing to bet he was better with it than I would be even if I used one everyday for the next ten years.

The large guy looked down at Eileen. He studied her and then leaned over and picked up a piece of her broken tooth. She had her eyes glued to him the whole time and her mouth opened and closed. Her two broken teeth – make that three. The last blow had snapped another one on the left.

He said something in a language I still did not understand. He kept repeating a phrase over and over that sounded something like “Ooga Booga”.

I shook my head and then stood up. Eileen thought it was time for her to get up. She tried to move her arms from under her body so I put one foot on her hand held her in place. I guess I looked like some hunter or something.

He smiled at me, then and gave me a new look as if in respect. That’s right. I am the man here. I know how to keep these zombie girls in line and if they get out of line I just tie them to something. Sure. That’s how it works.

He said that phrase again then motioned toward her head with both hands cupped. Then he put his hands by his waist and thrust his hips back and forth as if doing something to a ball. No. Not a ball. He looked down at her head again, smiled and clapped me on the back so hard I almost fell down.

Wait! Wait! That’s not what I was planning at all! Oh Christ …

At least one of them has a name now. The big one, I plan to call him Ooga Booga.

I sure hope I can make sense of this tomorrow. For now, they have started a fire away from me and they are cooking something that smells delicious. I plan to visit them in a few minutes and see if I can beg something to eat.