My Girlfriend Has Crabs
I might kill her today.
The barricades are holding up okay. I dragged some deadwood up last night and shored up the tiny fence. She walked into it, rebounded and then walked into it again. This dislodged some of the wood but I shoved it back into place. When I sat in the shade of the tiny tree and rock she decided to walk away as if I pulled a disappearing act.
Not too bright, that one. Sometimes when she walked away I would call out to her. “Hey, hey, come back,” and she came right back. It was pretty funny the first five or six times.
I don’t know her name, no idea. I thought of making one up but none really came to mind. Maybe Helga, sure, a nice thick name to match her intelligence. I saw this movie once where Tom Hanks was stuck on a deserted island and all he had was a volleyball for a companion. This dead chick is MY Wilson.
She is dead, quite dead. No pulse, no warmth, and no blood flow. She has a couple of minor cuts but they are just little furrows in the skin and they are gray and puckered like weird lips.
I’ve been thinking about making a rope out of old palm leaves and tying her to something. It would be a hell of a lot easier to just kill her but then who am I going to talk to? I don’t have a volley ball with a cute smiley face drawn on. And if I kill her, how will I explain that when I get rescued? How will I tell them that some zombie chick tried to eat me and I had to take her down a notch by bashing in her head? I could show them the weird plant and berries and maybe they could do something with it like find a cure for – I don ’t know, being dead.
So with no one to talk to I decided to keep her around. I don’t have a Friday like Robinson Crusoe, instead I have a slack gray face to tell my problems too. She was hot when she was alive. Those clothes cover some of her but I can see her shape under them. I wonder if the rest of her skin is gray as well. Maybe under that tiny skirt she is still as white as a virgin.
I should stop writing things like that, when I get off this cursed island the book companies don’t want to hear about me lusting after some dead chick no matter how horny I get. That would never make a good movie. Maybe a good sitcom.
Jesus. Four days and I am already going insane.
Four days since I got here? Four days?! It seems like a lifetime.
How in the world did I end up here? I was pretty disoriented when I woke up on the beach but I will try to recount the accident. If I wait much longer I might have a sunstroke and they will find my bones with this barely filled out journal.
It all started when Cliff had emergency gall bladder surgery.
That they ended up sending me is shockingly poor management. I have about as much pull as a neutered puppy and I’m about as scary as one.
But they need a guy to go out there and look at the budgets for the resort so that’s what I’ll do. I’ll go in with my calculator, check out the accounting, act important, then leave and I’ll get a vacation out of the deal. I just wish Ally could go with me but the company made it plain that I would have to pay her way. A grand just to get the plane ticket? If I had money like that I wouldn’t blow it on a plane ticket. A new PlayStation maybe.
They put me up at a hotel that was just spectacular. It sat so close to the beach that I only had to walk ten or fifteen feet to reach the bar. Then it's just a quick dash for the water, which was just as blue as can be. There were palm trees everywhere and I even saw a guy climbing up a tree to get some coconuts. Wow, I love fresh ones. I wonder if I can get a cool drink where the straw sticks out of the top and the alcohol content is so strong it makes your eyelashes curl right up. That’s what I need after flying all day from airport to airport.
I was offered a massage after I got settled in. Asked if it was a man because that would make me feel weird but I was assured it was a woman. She said beautiful woman but I’ll withhold judgment until I get there. Ally is a beautiful woman, well in her way. I mean she is a little taller than me and really doesn’t care about her hair like some of the model-looking girls I work with but that’s cool. She laughs at my dumb jokes and I mean what else can you ask for? I also love the freckles that cover her face, neck and well, just about every inch of her body.
The lady at the counter told me to bring extra money for the tip. She sort of winked at me, so I winked back. I guess I can spare five bucks if it is a good massage. I had one at the mall once but it was by this big guy who pressed on my shoulders so hard I thought I was going to have his fingers indented into skin for the rest of the day. I was surprised I wasn’t bruised later.
I didn’t care for the flight much. We flew into Port Jolito on a big regular airliner but getting to the island was in a small plane that shook the whole time. Well, it shook when it wasn’t swooping up and down. I drank a couple of beers and almost fell asleep a few times. Then we would bang around and I would pop my eyes back open, afraid we were going to crash.
I think the pilot swooped down to the water a few times just to scare me. I could actually see things on the surface or near - like dolphins maybe. Or sharks. Had to make a couple of bathroom trips since the plane was so tiny. It shook and shook. I swear the thing was going to come apart.
The next day was better.
I hopped on the plane, a little puddle jumper (I heard one of the people in the tiny airport call it that), and we set out for the other island. I was all alone and sat toward the front.
The pilot kept his door open and sang the whole time. Bawdy songs about girls that I couldn’t imagine were true. He said his name was Mooney but he said to call him by his nickname Looney Mooney. He talked when he didn’t sing and told me to head to the bar later so I could buy him a drink. I agreed with a grin and decided to hide out after my work was done.
The books weren’t as bad as I thought. I looked through them and broke out my laptop. I compiled a big spread sheet in a half day and found out the company was doing pretty good. Not much funny business that I could find. I dropped my results in an email and sent it off to my boss. He would be happy and I still had a couple of days to enjoy the sun.
Tried to call Ally but I guess she was out and about. I left her a message telling her how much I missed her. Then I ordered room service and had some rum while I watched the local channels, which were in the native language. There was some sort of variety show that had men chasing each other around on bicycles through a city that looked like a quiet place– except for these yah-hoos. I can see myself retiring here, maybe opening a bar and offering maps and advice to tourists.
I got the diary out. Had it in a plastic bag with a digital camera, some extra cash and my iPod. The bag is just a big thick Ziploc-looking thing that Ally bought me. I guess they make them for divers. It has a clasp made of plastic that closes so tight you can take the thing underwater and it won’t leak.
Ally said that the way it rains here I need something to keep my stuff dry. I only brought one bag with me since we are flying out tonight. At least I have a swimsuit and a change of underwear.
I headed to the pool after hitting the bar. With any luck I wouldn’t run into the crazy pilot. If he saw me drinking it might encourage him go join me a for a few. Then who the hell was going to fly the plane?
I sat by the pool and someone brought me a drink menu. I ordered some fancy thing that came in a coconut shell. I enjoyed it so much that I ordered one more. Wow, I could drink these things every day. I may have dozed because when I opened my eyes the sun was getting low and I had to rush back to the room to get my stuff ready.
The hotel staff acted very nice as I packed to leave. With my inspection complete I imagine they were glad to get rid of me. The manager gave me his personal cell number and told me to call if I had
any questions about the books. Then with smiles, pats on the back, a handshake or two, I left feeling like a celebrity. I should bring Ally here; after we are married maybe we can have our honeymoon at the resort.
I miss my girl. Speaking of which …
When my new girl wandered off, I hiked to the center of the island and drank some fresh water. With her out of the way, I was able to drink until I thought I was going to puke. I only took my shirt off and splashed water all over my body. Wish I could strip and bathe for real. I would have to do it fast in case she came after me. Don’t want her chasing after me while I’m buck ass naked.
The isn't very filling and it gives me the shits. I managed to get a couple of little starfish looking things by the shore but I almost puked when I ate them raw. I wondered how they would taste if I cooked them.
I had some matches from the resort. Had almost forgotten about putting them in the waterproof bag that Ally gave me for the diary. Luck was really on my side since no amount of rubbing sticks was likely to work in my favor. I did try it for a minute but all I got was really sore hands and a warm stick.
Managed to get a fire going. Had to clear out a section of my new living area so I don't catch on fire when I sleep. Stupid chick went bat shit insane, like she never saw a flame before. I had to build up a little palm leaf barrier so she couldn't see it. Then she settled down.
God, she was like some ADD kid with Tourette’s Syndrome. Maybe I can tie her to something, give me time to do some much needed work. Need to do some exploring. Find food. Maybe cook some of the fruit just to give it a different flavor.
That reminds me, she doesn’t eat. Well ,she tried to eat me the first day. Haven’t seen her take a dump either, then again she is too stupid to raise her skirt and do it. God, the thought of her crapping in some silky Victoria secret panties makes me want to throw up– not that I have anything in my stomach.
I’m going to get water and then write more. Nothing else to do except gather my thoughts and
jot them down.
…
Food at last, and not a bad meal if I do say so myself.
I came back from the little water fall and she just stared at me. She moaned, her jaw opened wide and I saw the horror that was her mouth. I think she fell down a few times because her front teeth are a mess. Some are cracked and some are just plain broken. Her tongue is a gray hunk that reminds me of a dry slug. When it slips out she has trouble getting it back in. I saw her chewing on it a couple of times.
I noticed some bug had planted eggs in her dried out eye. Reminded me of a spider sacs but they were moving. Maybe they are cocoons. I don’t watch enough Animal Planet to make a call. All I know is that I wish I could hold her down and squish
them.
Anyway, she was standing in front of a tree and wasn’t moving, so I decided to sneak past her and go sleep at my little walled off space. Only I noticed that her hair was moving around like it was alive. I felt my skin crawl and I shivered all over like I had caught a chill in the 90 plus degree sun. I wanted to bash her over the head and stop whatever was moving in there. I even reached for a stick before I saw the blue and white claw poke out. I felt my mouth flood with saliva at the sight.
My girlfriend had crabs - in her hair.
I thought drool was going to burst between my lips. It was like someone poured water in my mouth. I couldn’t stop thinking about the crab legs Alley and I ate in San Francisco last year. God - I wonder how she is doing. I try not to think about it too much, about how she must be freaking out.
I had this stick in my hand and I really wanted that crab. I walked toward her as slowly as I could. She smelled sort of like old fish left out and don’t even get me started on where that reek might be coming from. I hope it’s just from the crash and her spending all that time in the water.
Please be from the seawater!
One of the little crab claws poked out of the nest of blond hair and snapped at the air. I was just about close enough to grab it, but she must have sensed me behind her because she turned– well, staggered, really -like she was on a bender. When she saw me, her eyes opened wide– even the one without the gross bug eggs in it - and her mouth snapped at air.
I used the stick to push her away but she reached for me anyway. I slapped her hands away. Didn't want to touch her skin but I did and, man, was she cold. It actually felt good compared to the heat here, sort of like touching a raw steak fresh from the fridge. I pushed her again, just enough to turn her away.
I made a grab for the crab’s claw but the little bastard snapped at me. I was so hungry that I ignored the claw and let it close on my finger. It hurt, so I tried to yank my hand back but it wouldn’t let go. So there I was, dancing around this dead chick with my hand stuck in her hair. She reached for me over and over her, mouth with those nasty broken teeth snapping at me. She almost got a bite! Zombie bite - crap. I’ve read enough and seen the movies. I know that if she bites me I am fucked.
I jerked my hand away so hard it came free but stuck my thumb in my mouth but then I worried that I had touched her and somehow the zombie virus would get into me. I spat repeatedly and prayed wouldn’t change into a shambling creature like her.
This was not working!
I needed a new plan.
I pushed her back and she staggered into a tree. I backed up and found a large piece of curved drift wood. I turned it over and put the round part up and tried to bury one end in the sand before she caught on to my trap. I pounded on the other end until it stuck and made a little hump on the ground.
Then I had to lead her away about 20 feet. I ran back and stood behind the hooked stick and pounded down with my foot so it was in the sand good and tight. She found me after a minute or two then it was a mind numbing, slow wait for her to stagger toward me. She moaned and hissed and at one point even put her arms up like some stupid Frankenstein chick.
It took forever but she fell for my trap. She tripped just like I hoped and fell flat on her face. I’ve heard that saying many times but never seen it happen quite like this.
I jumped on her back and fought the crab. He was buried in her hair like he was stuck in a net. At first I was scared of his snapping claws but I managed to unhook his legs. Meanwhile she lay under me, struggling to get up. I had my legs around her slim waist and her face was still pressed into the sand. I got worried that she would suffocate but she didn't bother to lift her head.
I held the crab around the ass end of his shell. I’m sure I muttered a few obscenities at the stupid thing but it just snapped at me and hissed little bubbles.
She lay there for a long time just moving her head back and forth. I thought about finding a stick to finish her off but she was pretty entertaining. When I get off this cursed island, I know I will write a book about my adventures and sell a million copies. It will be even better if I manage to keep her alive.
She couldn’t get up, she didn’t even try. She just flopped around like a slow moving fish out of
water.
Gave up and went back to camp. I got the fire going and cooked him. He had to be just about the best crab I have ever tasted.
...
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